The Hal Oral Chronicles

"Is still debating the pros and cons of string theory… while writing dick jokes" HalOral.com where intellectual thoughts meets excessive debauchery.

Door opens as a group of friends enter a room, sounds of a football being tossed around

Tom

…No you got lucky. I was wide open.

Seth

But then you dropped the pass butterfingers. That would have been the game.

Ron

Everybody, stop for a second and look. (pause) Wow, this room looks exactly the same as it did back in the day.

Seth

I know. We haven’t all been in at Pullman’s house in years. Pullman don’t your parents redecorate?

Pullman

Hardy har har. Very funny. Give them a break they’re old. They’re never home anyway. Always traveling somewhere. Does anyone want a beer?

Everyone

I’ll take one. Yeah me too!

Fridge door opens and bottles clank. Beer bottles open. People sit down

Ron

Yeah, that’s why we used to always hang out here. No parents.

Seth

This couch is as comfortable as I remember. MMM leather.

Sounds of people sitting, leather being heard.

Tom

When we used to have sleepovers I loved crashing on this couch.

Ron

When we used to get wasted I loved crashing on this couch.

Tom

I’ll cheers to that.

Everyone agrees as bottles cheers.

Sean

Oh my god! Remember all the hours upon hours we wasted just sitting on this couch playing video games.

Ron

Yeah. We used to play Dreamcast all the time. Wow.

Tom

Do you remember what we all used to do on this couch too?

Pullman

Eat Pizza.

Tom

Lots of pizza, but that’s not what I’m thinking of.

Ron

Watch movies?

Tom

Getting warmer.

Sean

Masturbate?

Tom

Bingo!

Seth

That’s right. Pullman your parents had the illegal box and we used to all come over to wack it.

Pullman

Guys can we not bring up our slightly homosexual group masturbation sessions from our younger years?

Ron

Does anyone remember the code to unlock the porn channels?

Everyone

6-9-6-9!!

Everyone laughs and cheers beers.

Sean

I don’t know how I could have gotten through high school without coming here after class and cranking one out.

Tom

Yeah this was before the internet. My Pam Anderson calendar was getting a little abused.

Ron

Hey guys, I just got a great idea!!

Seth

What?

Ron

Why don’t we have a contest like we did back in the day?

Seth

What do you mean?

Ron

Let’s all drop trow, turn on the porn and have a wacking contest. See who can finish first.

Sean

I don’t know. Aren’t we a little too old for that?

Ron

Come on. It’ll be fun.

Pullman

Fine, I’m in, but everyone throws up $20 just to make it interesting.

Sean

I’m in.

Seth

Ok me too.

Ron

What about you Tom.

Tom

This is the first time my premature ejaculation is gonna come in handy!

Everyone laughs and cheers.

Ron

Yeah this is gonna be awesome. So I guess, whoever finishes first wins?

Sounds of belts unbuckling and pants falling to the floor.

Pullman

Let me just put in the secret pass code for the porn. 6-9-6-9. Jackpot!

Faint sounds of porn-moaning in the background.

Ron

So everyone ready?

Seth

Ready.

Tom

Ready.

Sean

Ready.

Pullman

Ready.

Ron

Ok, on your mark, get set…

Tom

WAIT!!

Ron

What is it Tom?

Sean

Yeah what’s the problem?

Tom

Umm, I can’t compete.

Seth

Why not?

Tom

I just had a vasectomy; nothing can touch my penis for a week.

Ron

But in a normal week nothing touches your penis anyway.

Seth

Served!

Hands slapping five.

Tom

Very funny.

Seth

Tom that is so wack.

Tom

Bad choice of words dude, and I know!

Ron

Ok, so Tom is out. We still have the four of us.

Tom

What should I do? I don’t want to be sitting in a room with four grown men slapping their schlongs around.

Sean

Make us some popcorn.

Pullman

Yeah. Make popcorn.

Agreement sounds

Tom

I’m gonna jizz all over your popcorn.

Pullman

Extra jizz for me!!

Laughs

Ron

Ok, so everyone ready to get started again? We’ll go on three. One… Two…

Sean

Wait!!

Everyone moans in disgust.

Seth

What is it now?

Sean

I can’t go through with this.

Ron

How come?

Sean

I’m gay.

Pullman

You’re what?

Sean

I love cock.

Ron

Now I get it. So why can’t you compete.

Sean

Well regular porn just doesn’t do it for me, I’m going to lose.

Pullman

I can see how that would be unfair.

Seth

Yeah, I’ll say that’s a valid excuse.

Sean

Oh!! I know what I can do. I can watch you all masturbate…

Ron

And touch yourself at the same time?

Sean

Uhh no. I wouldn’t touch you Ron even if your asshole was filled with chocolate syrup.

Ron

That was a bit graphic.

Sean

Like I was saying, I can watch you three masturbate and I can judge who the winner is.

Pullman

That’s a good idea. So no one cheats.

Agreement sounds.

Seth

Yeah that is fair. But Sean, what is gay porn like, is there a story, is it just you guys shopping for window treatments?

Sean

Mostly it’s just guy on guy and sometimes guy on guy on guy action.

Seth

Noted.

Ron

Ok, we don’t have all day here. I have to get home to my totally unsuspicious girlfriend who trusts me not to do anything borderline homosexual, can we please start this jerk off contest??

Pullman

I’m ready when you are.

Ron

Ok, 3, 2, 1…

Seth

Wait!!

Really big moan out of disgust.

Pullman

What is it now??

Seth

I can’t do this.

Ron

Why, does your vag hurt?

Pullman

Nice one.

Sound of a high-five.

Seth

No… I mean… yeah.

Pullman

What?

Seth

I’m a post-op tranny. I don’t have a penis anymore.

Ron

What?

Seth

I’m a woman. Let me take my sweatshirt off.

Sounds of taking off a sweatshirt.

Ron

That does explain why you have breasts.

Pullman

I thought you just had really big pecs.

Seth

Yeah, so sorry, I’m out.

Ron

I guess it’s just you and me Pullman. A sudden death shootout.

Pullman

Let’s see who has the quickest gun here.

Ron

For all the marbles. $40 to the victor. On your marks, get set…

Pullman

Wait!!

Ron

What?

Pullman

I can’t do this.

Ron

What do you mean you can’t do this? You and me used to masturbate together all the time. That was our thing! What are you uncomfortable? We can go back to back?

Pullman

No, I mean, I want to do this, but I can’t.

Ron

I’m not following.

Pullman

I can’t masturbate because… because I have no hands. All I have are these nubs.

Ron

Where did this come from?

Pullman

You don’t remember playing football before. I popped Seth’s fake boob with my hook.

Ron

That’s right. Well I guess the contest is over. What do you guys want to do now?

Pullman

Well, Tom made popcorn, we can all just watch you beat it around?

Pause

Ron

I’m in!!

Everyone cheers the beers and gives a celebratory “yeah”

Pullman

Shot corner seat!

Tom

So Seth… do you and your new vagina wanna get dinner later?

The End

As a comedic writer I leave myself notes on interesting things I observe. I find that when I’m drunk I see especially bizarre things… allegedly. I’ll usually wake up to a confusing undecipherable message from the night before. The problem is, since I get too drunk, I can never remember what really happened.

It was a devastating loss for the D&G softball team. Mentally we were exhausted after Jermaine struck out looking with the tying run on first, and physically we were all wiped out from the heat. It was 10pm and yet somehow it was still 85 degrees with 100% humidity. Though the battle was lost, to the losers come the spoils (that doesn’t make any sense), as we all packed into a couple of cars and made our way to Avenue A and Houston St. to our after game bar, Nice Guy Eddies. Being a softball team for a law firm helps when it comes to after game food and drinks, we pretty much order anything on the menu and drink until we can’t drink no more. No worries, whoever pays for it, expenses it through the company. Now I know what you’re thinking “Hal, you aren’t a lawyer” and while yes technically you are correct, my cousin married one, so that’s how I got onto this team. Well after many sloppy wings, pitchers of crappy American light beer and shots of who-knows-what, I stumbled my way home and entered into my apartment at around 3:22 am. How did I know what time I got home? Apparently I sent out some drunken text messages. GO HAL!! Anyway, enter the next morning, after I felt pity upon myself for sending embarrassing drunk texts, I check my notes and found this gem…

I wish more sluts tasted like this

“Did I get action last night?” I thought. If I did, how did I know she was a slut? Dear god I hope it was a she!!! Did I say that to someone? Is that a flattering remark? If a girl made out with me then said “I wish more sluts tasted like this”, I would be pretty confused. Are you dissing me or complimenting me? “I wish more sluts tasted like this”, isn’t that the line Richard Gere used to win over Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? I don’t know, I’ve never seen the movie, but why don’t I just dive in and take a guess at what it means and why it was said.

 It was two a.m. and it was just me and Fish at the bar. We call Dave “Fish” not because he can drink like a fish, or because he has thin fish lips or because he has beady eyes on the sides of his head, no, we call Dave “Fish” because his last name is Fishman and it’s a pretty simple nickname. He orders up our seventh round of shots when out of the corner of my eye I see Iced-T stumble out of the bathroom. No, not Ice-T our favorite old-school-rapper turned sex crime detective on Law and Order: SVU, Iced-T, some white guy who parades around talking and looking like Ice-T. I have to admit, while his facial features look nothing like Ice-T, and he’s about thirty pound heavier than Ice-T, and he’s white, he actually has the rest of the look down. The flat ironed hair, the pimp suits and he even rocks that really thin mustache over the upper lip that white guys can’t pull off but black guys can.

 

Iced-T walks over to the bar and since I was in a good mood I said “Yo Iced, let me buy you the next round, what would you like” and just like always he answers back in his most ghetto voice “You know what I want son, a long island Iced Tea”. I cringed. Was he serious? Is that a joke? Does the man only drink long island iced teas because he goes by the moniker Iced-Tea? Fish leans in and says “What a douche”, I couldn’t have agreed more. I wave the bartender over and order “I’ll have a Harp and that guy over there…” I paused for a second and put my hand to my eyes like I’m trying to stop a headache and finish “and he’ll have a long island, (exhale), iced tea”. The bartender looks at me, I throw my hands up as to say “I know”.

 

Now apparently the bartender gave Iced-T a warning before. He told Iced-T that if he used his name in any more puns he would kick him out of the bar. From what I was told he already used the pick up lines “Know what’s good on a hot muggy night, Iced-T” and “Why don’t you sip on Iced-T and I’ll fill you up with my antioxidant power”. The bartender then went over to Iced-T to kick him out of the bar. Iced threw the bartenders hands off of him and walked towards the exit, “I know when I’m not wanted. All of you think your so cool, well I got news for you guys, while all of your personalities are tired I’m the only one here who’s got a refreshing play on this situation and when I’m gone you all wish you’ll be able to sip on this glass of…” “Don’t say it” inturupted the bartender, “Iced-T, I’m out!” As Iced-T finished he threw his arms in the air, meanwhile the bartender threw a glass at his head and connected. Glass shattered everywhere and Iced-T ran out of the bar. “I can’t believe you hit him” I said, “Yeah I mean I thought you were just trying to scare him, but you actually nailed him” said Fish. “Do you think he’ll sue?” asked the bartender, “I dunno, probably” I said. “Well I’m a lawyer…” started Fish “yes a real-estate lawyer, but a lawyer no less, and he needs someone to corroborate his story, so what I’m saying is, you give us a couple free shots and maybe we saw something or maybe we didn’t”. The bartender gladly poured us shots as we all cheered.

 

After the last shot we leave the bar. Fish swam home, literally, he didn’t want to take a cab so he swam to Queens via the East River. Now that I think about it, I haven’t heard from Fish in a couple weeks, I hope he’s all right. Ahh, I’m sure he’s fine. I stumbled my way to the L train. On my way home I got a hankering for some pizza. Luckily there was twenty to choose from in a two block radius, YAY New York! I walk into a pizza place and I’m second on line behind this girl. Now this girl wasn’t hot, she wasn’t ugly, she was cute. She was like most girls you see on the street. Average all over, but I was drunk so she was a knockout. I walk in and stand behind her. She turns around just to see what’s happening and I say “Last night snack huh?” Another patented drunken pick up line by Hal Oral. She turns to me smiles and looks back at the counter. She orders. “I’ll have a slice… extra sausage”. As she said that, she turned around at me. She stared right into my eyes when she said “extra sausage”. I had a boner.

 

The pizza guy then asked me what I wanted, I had to match what she said so I leaned against the counter looked right into her eyes and said “I’ll have a slice… extra tacos”. Then we started making out. I guess we were making out for a long time because next thing that happened was the pizza guy giving us our food. We sat down together, her with her extra sausage and me with tacos on my pizza, and ate the food together. It turns out her name was Raven and that she had just been fired from her job and so she drank heavily that night. “I can’t believe we just ordered like that” she said. “I know, for a second I thought I was in a porno” I replied. She laughed. “These have to be the sluttiest slices of pizza I’ve ever had” she said, then I answered “Yeah, but I wish more sluts tasted like this”. We laugh. Or at least I thought we laughed. Maybe it was just me laughing because next thing I know I have extra sausage all over my face. I turn around to the pizza guy and I throw my hands up in the air. He remarks while cleaning the counter with a rag, “I’ve seen a lot from behind this counter and the only advice I can say to you is, sometimes the sausage goes in your mouth and sometimes it ends up on your face”. I stared at him blankly, trying to figure out what he meant and I reply while wiping pizza off my face, “Shut the fuck up”

Memorial Day weekend has come and gone. Some people went to relax on the beach, some went to the Jersey Shore to party and others relaxed in their air conditioned homes and watched TV all day. “Not I” said the Oral. Your twelfth favorite blogger, Hal Oral, did something even better. I took a tour of some of New York Cities best burger shops. I sampled three delicious burgers, along with fries and drinks, and I will review them for you today. Note: I am no food critic, I am a man who enjoys his food, but ultimately I am just some schmuck who will give you my honest opinion. Ironically I didn’t invite my food critic buddy The Skinny Pig to join me at any of the locations. Screw her. She sucks.

Burger 1 – Shake Shack, Upper West Side – Cheeseburger, fries and beer – $14

On a lovely Thursday afternoon I met up with KD to see the animals at the Central Park Zoo. A lovely day to see the polar bears and penguins, but more importantly it situated us a mere mile away from the upper west side location of the famed Shake Shack. As we arrived at the restaurant we noticed a line which extended out of the door. This was not a problem though as the line quickly dissipated and within ten minutes we were ordering our food. I got a shackburger, fries and a beer specially made for Shake Shack from Brooklyn Brewery, Shackmeister Ale. After waiting for about seven minutes, my food was ready. KD and I found a table and started chowing down. The burger was delicious. A perfectly cooked patty of ground beef with a nice slice of cheese melted on top. The beer was not only refreshing because of the hot day, but it also complimented the burger well. The fries were crinkle cut fries, and while KD is not a fan of crinkle cut, I found them to be crispy and tasty. Not the best fries, but they in no was ruined the meal.

Burger 2 – Dumont Burger, Williamsburg – Bacon Cheeseburger, fries and mixed drink – $27

Dumont Burger is a sandwich shop owned by the people who brought you Dumont, a delicious Williamsburg restaurant. While the special pulled pork sandwich almost swayed my decision, I went with a bacon cheeseburger, which came with fries. That alone was $14! That how much my whole meal and Shake Shack cost. On top of that I ordered a “Release the Kraken” mixed drink which was made from rum, lime juice and ginger beer. If you are a fan of ginger beer you would like this drink, but it had a bit too much bite for my taste. After an unreasonably long time to get my food, upwards of twenty minutes, it came. It looked delicious. It came with fresh onions, tomatoes and lettuce and two different types of pickles!! That’s right TWO different types. They had the buttery sandwich toppers as well as a dill spear. Needless to say I was excited. I bit into the burger and I was… well I was underwhelmed. It tasted like any ordinary burger. And it sure as hell didn’t taste like a $14 burger. Fries were good. For the total price and the quality of the burger it was not worth the trip. It was more disappointing because I like Dumont, especially their Dumac and Cheese, which they serve at both locations.

 

Burger 3 – Peter Lugar’s Steakhouse, Williamsburg – Cheeseburger, bacon, fries and beer – $20

More than anything else Peter Lugar’s was an experience. Only during lunch hours do they serve their burger, so on a sunny afternoon my friend Greg joined me to sample this afternoon delight. We both ordered a Lugar’s Lager with our burgers. The Lugar’s Lager was very similar to Brooklyn Lager. I could tell by taste it was an all-malt lager, again, just like Brooklyn lager. Our burgers came out and looked delicious. Also the big slab of bacon that came out looked orgasmic. It tasted fantastic too. A huge delicious slab of bacon, how can you go wrong. The Lugar Burger is made from the scraps of their famous porterhouse steaks. When you bit into the burger, it melted in your mouth, just like the steaks. They were fantastic burgers. No complaints. I would definitely recommend someone getting it, plus you get the tasty fresh Lugar Steak Sauce as well. The steak sauce is so much better at the restaurant than in the bottle. So horseradishy, and so delicious.

 

If you were to pick a burger to get, to me it would be about your location. If you’re in Brooklyn go to Lugar’s, if you’re in Manhattan, go to Shake Shack. Gun to my head I have to say Shake Shack though. While the Lugar Burger was delicious, and it’s really hard to mimic that melt-in-your-mouth texture, the Shake Shack burger not only was on par with taste, but with the value it can’t be beat.

Scanning back for thousands of years and coming back to the future to society today there have always been ceremonies where boys become men. While some stand higher on the “Manly Scale” than others, I can’t help but think back to when I “became” a man. I was twelve, approaching thirteen, at the Bay Terrace Jewish Center. While some boys must have a divine vision, or stand on polls for days or understand how to harness the power of the force, Jews have to put on a beanie, a scarf, wrap wooden boxes around their arms and read out of an ancient document in a language that neither you nor 99% of the people listening to you understand. On the “Manly Scale’ I would give it a 3 out of 10, just below secretly enjoying Titanic but just above asking your girlfriend to kill a spider.

Maybe back in the ancient times thirteen was a man. Life expectancy couldn’t have been longer than thirty to forty years, so yes thirteen was the time where a boy had to man up, build a home and raise some children. I can’t say I turned into a man at thirteen, a silly ceremony doesn’t make you a man. Fact is, I’m twenty-six and I just became a man seven days ago.  I was sitting in bed and thought “I should take responsibility for my actions… or at least some of them”.

The question still remains though; What makes a man? We can ask some of our greatest pop poets and see what they have to say…

A woman’s point of view

Salt n Pepa ft/ En Vogue “Whatta Man”:

He takes his time and does everything right Knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night He’s a real smooth brother, never in a rush And he gives me goose pimples with every single touch Spends quality time with his kids when he can Secure in his manhood cuz he’s a real man A lover and a fighter and he’ll knock a knucker out Don’t take him for a sucker cuz that’s not what he’s about Every time I need him, he always got my back Never disrespectful cuz his mama taught him that

 

For a more pussy, I mean emotional version of what makes a man

Westlife “What Makes A Man”:

Tell me what makes a man, Wanna give you all his heart Smile when you’re around And cry when you’re apart If you know what makes a man Wanna love you the way I do Girl you gotta let me know So I can get over you

 

And the manliest version of what makes a man

DVDA “Now You’re A Man”:

What makes a man, is it the woman in his arms? Just cause she has big titties? Or is it the way, he fights every day?  No, it’s probably the titties.

 

Clearly becoming a man has many different sides to it. There is the confident side, the emotional side, then the side that just wants to see some titties. I think once a boy gets all three of these things in check he becomes a man. Are you confident in who you are, do you see what you want, and when you see it, do you go after it? That’s what a man does, he doesn’t cower off to the side, he goes for it. Whether that means spotting a hotty on the other side of the bar, or eyeing that Mister Softee truck two blocks away, you must have confidence in what you want, and be sure in everything you do, or at least feign it.

I’m aware in our society it can be viewed as weak for a man to show emotions. And yes, in excess it is. But a real man is secure in himself to display his emotions, convey them clearly and succinctly and then be done. No begging, whining, and most of all no stalking. Unless stalking gets you laid, someone get back to me on that.

Lastly, the titties. What women don’t understand about men is that we are curious creatures. We see something that spots our eye, we are going to look, possibly even stare, because again, we are curious, not smooth, creatures. What makes a man though, is to have the ability to look, just look, but don’t touch. A man is faithful to his promises, again, a man keeps his promises, but if you see a knockout with a low cut shirt, take a look, take three looks, just don’t go playing hot and cold shower knobs with her. Also don’t do that thing that ghetto people do where after they walk by an attractive lady they stop foot traffic just to turn around and scream “DAMNNNNNN!!”

So I was thirteen when I was bar-mitzvah’d and my age has doubled since then. I’ve matured physically and mentally, yet I can’t help but notice there still is some teenager in me. I still constantly daydream, my voice still cracks from time to time and while I have a better grasp on the subject, I still don’t understand women, mostly because you are all unique in your own ways and I refuse to change.

In thirteen years I went from the title “man” to actually a man. A man who has a lot of good friends, a man who understands family and loves them very much, a man who has apologetically hurt women and who’s not afraid to admit that he has been hurt by women. A man who has lived through disappointment and celebrated through victory.  A man who has gone for his dreams, and failed, twice, but also a man who is more humble for it and a man who is more motivated because of it.

So I thank everyone in my life because what shapes a man isn’t just nurture it is also nature. I thank the friendly ones and I thank those who’ve hurt, whether intentionally or not. Life is not just about the good times, it is also about the bad. If it weren’t for the bad times, the good times wouldn’t be so good. Don’t hide from hurtful emotions because they only make you stronger, and they only mean that there is something out there that you care enough about to invoke those emotions, which is a good thing and is something that you should be proud of.

So I leave these parting words for you, all you boys who want to become a man,

“There is no divine meaning to life; the meaning of life is simply, to live it.” – Hal Oral

Someone just ripped ass and it smells. The only way to solve the mystery of the rotten egg fart is to play the blame game. “Whoever smelt it dealt it”, “Whoever blamed the accused lit the fuse” and “Whoever squirted in their pants… is probably the one who did it”. While your friends are having fun going back and forth with whitty rhymes, you are none-the-wiser as you let your babies loose as the attention is diverted elsewhere. By the time everyone figures out that it was Xander who let the original one fly, no one is going to blame you for making that smell linger for a just a few minutes more. So get your rhymes ready and put on your “What? I’m not guilty” face because

… Don’t worry, I won’t tell.