The Hal Oral Chronicles

"Is still debating the pros and cons of string theory… while writing dick jokes" HalOral.com where intellectual thoughts meets excessive debauchery.

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As the final weekend of the 2010 Winter Olympics dominated the sports headlines, there was another competition causing buzz in the finals weekend of February. A simple three hour competition on Saturday afternoon was formed to crown the Gold, Silver and Bronze medalists of the 2010 Winter Beerlympics. Taking place at Burke Mountain, Vermont, five competitors not only came up with all of these events with limited resources, but also gave it there all to win gold, while all their friends skied and snowboarded all day. Ten events decided the winner, but in the end it was Hal Oral, representing Israel (a country with no winter at all) who came away with the gold in an exciting finish.

The scoring system is simple, if you came in first you won five points, second, four points, etc. As long as you competed in an event you received at least one point.

Event I – Marathon Drinking – This event took place throughout the competition. The player with the most beers drunk by the end of the last event won the points.

Event II – Freestyle Pot Smoking – This competition was won hands down by Jess representing Hungry. She decided her representing country after this competition was over.

Lunch Break – The games were put on hold for an hour as we all ate lunch after the freestyle smoking competition.

Event III – Freestyle Beer Chug – In this event you were allowed to drink your beer however you’d like. The goal was to chug it the fastest. Brett, the Germans, won decisively with a three second chug, earning him five points.

Event IV – Foot in Snow – This event consisted of all competitors submerging their bare foot into a pile of snow. The last person to take their foot out won. This event actually came to a draw as Hal, Thomas and Brett refused to take their foot and eventually hands out of the freezing snow.

Event V – Double Beer Chug – This event was a timed event to see who could chug two beers from the can the fastest. Brett came in as the heavy favorite, but ended up coming in last. Thomas from Gayville won the event as he beat out Tallin form Estonia.

Event VI – Snow Ball Distance Throw – Thomas was the favorite in this event because he used to play semi-professional baseball. He has a ginormous ugly ring to prove it. Hal won this event by out throwing all competitors by at least five feet.

Event VII – Snow Ball Accuracy – Again Thomas was the favorite as he used to be a semi-professional pitcher, but again his advances were thwarted as Tallin picked up the surprising victory by hitting the target two times out of five.

Event VIII – Cheerio Eating Competition – Competitors had to eat thirty cheerios off a table without using their hands then chug a beer. Brett put on a dominating performance gulping down the Cheerios. Even though some of this food fell to the floor, his super suction delivered them right back into his mouth as he sealed the victory after chugging his beer.

Event IX – Paper Field Goal Competition – Uprights were set up four feet from the competitors as each received five attempts to knock it through. Tallin won with three made field goals.

Event X – Biathlon – The most intense competition of them all, the Biathlon. Competitors had to run from the cabin, through the snow to the chair lift control house and back. When they returned they had to chug a beer. Hal and Thomas set the standards as the final competitors got ready to go. Brett was putting on a great performance but as he returned he ran towards the wrong cabin. He eventually made it to the right cabin and chugged his beer furiously giving himself the lead. Tallin was the last competitor, he made it back to the cabin the fastest. It looked like he was going to take the competition, but instead of chugging his beer, he decided to wear it, giving him major penalties and Brett the victory.

Event I – Marathon Drinking results – Tallin and Thomas were in the lead in the competition, but both found themselves on the outside. Thomas needed the victory in the event to claim third place over Brett, while if Tallin won the event he would get Gold over Hal. The event would end ten minutes after the finale of the Biathlon. As time ticked down under thirty seconds, Tallin forced himself to chug a beer and Thomas followed suit tying him. As the final five seconds ticked away, Tallin realized something was wrong. He sprung up out of his seat holding his mouth. Thomas realizing what was about to happen, in true nature of the Olympic games, ran to the back door to open it for Tallin to puke out of, but this would go for naught. Tallin instead puked into his hands, which would deflect all over the wall and door… and Thomas’ face. Tallin puked, disqualifying himself from any points in the event. Thomas furious about the puke all over his head, was also elated has he had just won the bronze medal.

The final standing was Jess, representing Hungry, finished in fifth with 16 points. She fell asleep halfway through competition. Fourth place, representing Germany with 32 points, Brett. Third place, with 33 points, hailing from Gayville, Thomas. The only Estonian medal, silver, with 40 points Tallin, but in the end, Hal, representing Israel, with 41 points stood atop the podium receiving the gold medal while the 2010 Winter Beerlympics theme “We Belong” by Pat Benatar played in the background.

 

Hal (middle) displaying gold, aka a Miller Lite beer can top, Tallin (left) displaying silver, aka a Bud Light beer can top and Thomas (right) displaying bronze, aka cardboard.