The Hal Oral Chronicles

"Is still debating the pros and cons of string theory… while writing dick jokes" HalOral.com where intellectual thoughts meets excessive debauchery.

R.I.P. QT, we miss you

In the late ‘90’s and the early ‘00’s there was no end in site for boy bands… sorry I mean “Male Vocal Groups.” There was Backstreet Boys, Westlife, Boyzone, 98 Degrees, LFO, BBMack, 5ive, O-Town and my favorite 2ge+her (R.I.P. Jason ‘Q.T.’ McKnight), just to name a few. It seemed like they were all indestructible, every album went gold and their music videos saturated MTV’s TRL. There was one boy band that ruled them all though, and that was NSYNC. Before Lance Bass was gay, before Justin brought sexy back, before Chris Kirkpatrick disappeared off the face of the earth, there was N*SYNC.

Wow they are having fun in their matching outfits!!

I was at my friend Juan’s house with a couple of local girls when I was looking though his CD collection for some tunes to set the mood right when I came across the original NSYNC album, *NSYNC. It was 2000 and No Strings Attached just came out, but I found myself staring at the first album. I couldn’t take my eyes off of that yellow CD. Why did Juan own it? Why didn’t I own it? My jealousy grew and grew until I was seriously debating stealing it. Just as my hands went into the case to take it out Juan and the girls interrupted me, “Dude, what’s taking you so long” Juan said, I panicked and I said “I don’t know, maybe I’m taking so long because I can’t believe you have all the NSYNC CDs? Juan, I didn’t know that you had a vagina?”

Where’s the gabagool?

I was ashamed at myself for making fun of Juan, but you can all see why I did. What man could admit back then that they actually liked the music of NYSNC? I don’t even think girls liked the music, they just thought there was two cute guys in the group and three serviceable other guys that they can pine over. There was Justin Timberlake, the cute one, but as time went on he turned into the hot one. There was J.C. Chasez (sha-zay) who was the hot one, but who by the end of NSYNC turned out to be the forgettable one. There was Lance Bass who was the shy one, who turned into the one with an insatiable hunger for penis. (aka Polyphagia, that’s not a pun, I’m serious) Chris Kirkpatrick who was the creepy older one, who got all of the throw away tail and still goes around introducing himself as Chris Kirkpatrick to girls in airports with his creepy dreadlocks and lastly Joey Fatone who was the bad ass one… I guess? Either way, he ended up being the most well adjusted one who’s hosted a couple TV shows and is now the Italian fat one. He’s probably eating too much gabagool.

Back in high school I couldn’t keep my guilty pleasure for boy bands in any longer. My friend Ian and I secretly loved them so much that we wrote our own song “Just Jealous”. I don’t remember the lyrics, but I remember it being boybandtastic. After we couldn’t get a producer and three other members for our group we decided to perform NSYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” on stage at a talent show instead. We learned the dance moves down to a T, we downloaded an instrumental version of the song and we were ready. We went on stage and rocked the house down. The crowd went wild after we finished performing and we felt this immense high that NSYNC must feel after each show. It was enthralling. Now ten years later I still feel the need for that boy-band rush. The only time I hear the songs is when I play acoustic concert of all of the hits to myself with a locked door so no one can hear what I’m doing. I’ve sucked that pleasure back into my brain and convinced myself it’s not cool to like boy bands again. Whenever I do karaoke I pass by those songs and I tell myself it straighter if I do “Oh Sherrie” by Steve Perry or “It’s Raining Men” by the Pointer Sisters than it is doing an NSYNC song.

How does he get away with this??

For all of those waiting for a NSYNC reunion, I have bad news; NSYNC will never tour again, because JT can do no wrong, he has reached Clooney Status, and so there is no need to go back to NSYNC. JT is probably the youngest person ever to reach George Clooney Status. Clooney Status is where, no matter how bad or stupid, or hurtful or embarrassing the thing they do is, it’ll still be the coolest thing ever. No matter what they do, they can never lose their coolness. I mean look at this picture of JT to the left. He looks like the biggest tool, but it doesn’t matter, it’s still so freaking cool. I do cornrows like that and I get my ass kicked; he dressed like that he makes another million dollars and dates the next playboy playmate. He beatboxes on stage and you think “What a doofus” but then you realize he’s actually good at it and then you think “FUCK, WHAT CAN’T THIS GUY DO!!” He’s talented musically, he’s funny, he’s good looking, he’s a nice guy, works with charities, he’s a surprisingly descent actor, rappers like him, he actually dates girls he doesn’t just sleep with them; you want to hate him but you can’t, he just too cool, he is in Clooney Status.

1: Cut a hole in a box 2: Put your junk in that box 3: JT can do no wrong

The only way JT can ruin his Clooney Status is if he continues to reach for approval from everyone, even though they have already given it to him. He’s got to learn from Clooney, that no matter what people say, just chill, do your thing, and people will love it. George really needs to call JT and have a talk with him. He has so much potential, but at his early age it’s being ruined. True, it took Clooney a while to harness it as well, but with the right mentor we could be calling this Timberlake Status one day, just like how it used to be called Sinatra Status.

It’s a shame that NSYNC will never be again, save for a reunion tour in 2020. At the same time it’s hard to believe just how big NSYNC was too; considering they only put out three albums; *NSYNC (10x platinum), No Strings Attached (11x platinum) and Celebrity (5x platinum). But for all of those who still have “(God must have spent) A little more time on you” on repeat on their iPods…

…don’t worry, I won’t tell

The group loved by the most women and pedophiles