Wednesday, February 17th, 2010...10:29 am
Billy Mays’ Diary- Origin of the Beard
12/19/08
Dear Diary,
Billy Mays here,
As the snow falls and the season’s change, one can only imagine what challenges lie ahead for us. Will this winter be the metaphor for my next few months? Short days and long nights? Will my demons come out and will I be able to control them? Will my depression knock me down to an all time low? Shall I cower in the corner of my room with a revolver loaded with one bullet, spinning the chamber praying for the sweet relief of this pain called life? I can tell you the answer will be NO! because of my new product “Winter Away”. No longer will you stress about being unable to scrape frozen snow off of your car’s windshield. Winter Away is a concentrated secret formula which not only cleans the outside of your car, but also forms a barrier leaving rain, ice or snow unable to stick to the surface of your treasured automobile! Never worry about another paint job ruined by winters’ wrath as long as you have Winter Away. Winter Away is strong enough to take off the toughest dirt, yet gentle enough to wash your newborn with. I wouldn’t recommend washing your baby with it, but I’m just saying, if you’re stuck on a deserted island and all you have is Winter Away, being clean will be the least of your worries. With a special offer if you buy Winter Away now, I’ll double your order to two 24oz bottles, that’s enough for you to winterize twenty cars!! That’s not all, if you call within the next thirty minutes I’ll also throw in this free LED flashlight, which when shined on a wall shows a picture of me, Billy Mays! So for $12.99 you get two 24oz bottle of Winter Away and a free Billy Mays LED flashlight, but since you are such good customers I’ll throw in a free Winter Away sled, so you can enjoy the winter snow, while your car has a healthy glow! Call now!
That’s a pretty good product, right? I feel like Winter Away was made for me to pitch it, because it’s awesome and so am I, but the owners of Winter Away wanted someone without facial hair to sell it. Like Samson and his hair, Billy Mays needs his beard. It’s from where I draw my power. So unfortunately I had to turn it down and wait for the next explosive product to jump onto the market. My wife and agent both implored me to take the job, but they don’t understand what me and this beard have been through. It would be like saying “Hey! Owen Wilson, why don’t you straighten your nose” or “Hey! TV show The Office, start being funny” or “Hey! Michael Cera, you’re a little quirky, but I don’t think I’d mind if my daughter dated you.” All of these things make them who they are and my beard makes me who I am. I was a nobody before I grew my beard, and now look at me! I’m on the top of the infomercial game, strides ahead of Ronco and his Showtime Rotisserie. Yeah right I’d even think about shaving this masterpiece.
I remember when I first decided to grow a beard, I was fourteen. Susie McSimmons just denied me a chance of letting me take her to our town’s summer social. She ended up going with Caesar (Say-zar not Sea-zer) Ramirez. Caesar wasn’t a great looking man, so I sat in my room for hours trying to figure out what was it about him that made Susie swoon. Finally I figured out that it was his Puerto Rican dirt ‘stash. He wasn’t old enough to grow a normal mustache and if Susie was attracted to a little crappy mustache, imagine what I, William Mays, could do with a full, furry beard. That next school year I entered freshman year with a full beard, and to this day I am the only freshman at Sto-Rox High School to ever win class president. I won it on my campaign commercial, my first ever infomercial. I not only promised the student body better cafeteria food, but if they voted for me I’d throw in more school field trips to the zoo at no extra charge. That wasn’t all though, if they voted for me within twenty minutes, I’d throw in not one but two parties at my place during the school year, and I’d provide the weed. Billy Mays here, Sto-Rox Class President 1972, Go Vikings!
Post tenebras spero lucem,
Billy Mays
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