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By “The Legend” Brian “B-rye” Legendstein

“The Legend” Brian “B-rye” Legendstein was the man in high school, so much so that he had two nicknames. Other than being the man, why is Brian writing the column for the rules of throwing a high school party? Well, in high school Brian threw the most talked about party of 2008. His parents decided to go on a cruise and left him all by himself for six days. Things got out of hand… in a good way. Rumor has it that the party lasted for seven days. It was so good and so secret that when his parents returned exhausted from the cruise, they didn’t even notice that the party was still happening. His party is still talked about today, and his bro-ham Chris a.k.a. “Little B-rye” is now a freshman in high school and can’t wait to throw a party of his own. So without further ado, here is “The Legend”.

First off congrats on being a cool kid Socs (yeah I just read “The Outsiders”, it spoke to me, fucking dirtbag Greasers) or mozel tov on being the soon-to-be-cool kid. You’re throwing a party and people are going to be talking about afterwards on Monday in homeroom, about how much of a playa you are!! Nah, but check it, let me get for serial with you right now, before you just jump into throwing the most raucous rager of the school year, there are a few items that you must address…

Venue – You’ve got 1 of 2 choices, Choice 1: the empty golf course/local park. While the outside party, if all things go smoothly, is the ideal method, we all know it never turns out perfectly. Rain, a cool breeze or the Po-Po can ruin an outdoor party in minutes. I’m from Strong Island… son, so nice weather high school parties are few and far between. Once October comes its way too cold at night to be throwing outdoor parties.

Choice 2: Your parents are out of town/neglecting you, so you’re throwing a house party. This is the best choice for success because if you’re parents are away and the underage drinkers are gonna play. You know what I’m sayin?!?!?

Guest List – If you’re the cool kid invite who you want. Wanna invite only the cool kids, go for it! Wanna be diplomatic and even invite the nerds and dweebs, I salute you. Wanna invite Valley over? That’s a ballsy move, but maybe, just maybe, you’ll fix the relations between Valley and Bayside just yet. My only advice is that you don’t invite the trouble makers. The shady kids, you know; the Goths, the Vamps and the Latter Day Saints. Look, they’re asking not to get invited by dressing, acting and being like that. Just because you’re a social outcast doesn’t mean you have to be a dirtbag. This isn’t the movies. Yes they probably wanna feel loved inside, but they’re most likely just gonna fuck your shit up… so to speak.

If you’re the nerdy kid throwing the party and trying to be cool you can’t exclude anyone. That’s the way it is bro. Plus if you’re the nerdy kid don’t try to hard. Just let people have a good time, I promise if you just chill, act friendly and relax in the cut and rap with the dude like he’s your homeboy, everyone will think you’re cool.

Alcohol – If you’ve decided to throw a party you’ve already figured out a way to get beer. You either got your older brother’s ID,  you know someone who’s got the hook up or you got a girl friend to show that old guy down by the liquor store her fun bags. After you get the cans of Coor’s light or a couple kegs of Keystone light it is ok to charge $5. Nothing more!! This is about breaking even and having a good time. Plus since you got the beer you’ll be treated like a king all night. Note to guests: You must treat whoever supplied the alcohol with utmost respect. If you BYOB, then you can fuck him up all you want. Liquor is more of a tricky subject, I personally wouldn’t raid your parent’s liquor cabinet, but if you absolutely cannot get your hands on a couple handles of Barton’s Vodka then I guess you gotta. But first look up which of the stuff is expensive, and don’t use that. Only exception, if your parents got Patron, whip that shit out. Because as any good baller knows, Patron makes the panties drop, plus it doesn’t give you hangovers.

Themes – No themes, having a party in high school is exciting enough, unless you can convince some girls it’s a naked party. WHAT!!!!

Attire – You’re in high school, wearing a new suit, or for a change wearing khakis isn’t going to impress anyone. In fact you’ll probably get made fun of it for it. I smell swirlies!! Wear what you always wear, that’s what your friends want anyway. Chicks dig the cas gear anyway. Trust me, I’m “The Legend”, you know what I’m sayin?!?!

Drugs – Dude you guys are in high school, no need to do anything more powerful than weed. Plus if kids are doing other shit, you don’t want them at your party anyway. Doing drugs that early just leads to bad things… whoring and man-whoring.

Games – Easy card games like asshole and kings. Beer pong is allowed as well.

Food – No need to supply food. You’re throwing a fucking party that’s good enough. If the stoners want food, tell them to grab their own cheetos.

Clean Up – Considering this is your folks’ house, you must take precautionary measures not to fuck their shit up. Put a tarp down where necessary, put away all valuables and make sure you have a few good brosifs to help you clean up. Also, having a few good chick friends can’t hurt. My advice it to try to clean up as much as you can the night before so no smell lingers on. Open windows!

Children – I hope to god none of your friends have children, but if they do, get their baby daddy’s or their baby daddy’s daddy’s to take care of them for the night.

Planning Ahead – High school word travels fast, so let people know on Monday, let a good buzz form during the week and by Friday the anticipation for the party should be the only conversation topic in the lunch room. Anything longer then that and you risk having unwanteds (1, 2, 3)at your party.

Disallowed conversations – Just don’t talk shit about the host and the alcohol bringer, those dudes are gods for the night. Note: If you meet a new girl, always say you’ll facebook her, girls love that crap.

Nookie time – Look, you’re throwing a kick-ass party at your house, the beer is flowing, girls are getting easy, shit is gonna go down. If you don’t want anyone in the bedrooms, simply announcing it is not good enough, set up barricades. I’m talking couches, tables, your neighbors guard dog, anything to make it too difficult to get a girl into a room. Designate a room/closet/shower where people can do their thing. I doubt much of the nasty will go down anyway, probably necking and possibly some boob touching. I remember this one time I had this girl on the front lawn and I swear right before she took my jimmyjam out the cops rolled up. I pulled up my pants, tossed that girl to the side and jetted, because that’s how B-rye Kaiser rolls.

Driving – I want to say you shouldn’t drink and drive. That’s a big no-no. But parents should NOT pick you up at the party, not only can that hurt your rep, but it can blow the cover for everyone else. So note to guests: Have a DD, call a cab, or walk a few blocks down before the ‘rents get you. Word.

Special Rules – If you have close neighbors try to keep it inside. Don’t want anyone tattling. Smokers should always smoke outside though, keep them updated on the noise rules.

You follow my word and I promise you’re gonna have an awesome party. You’ll definitely move up at least three notches on the popularity belt, maybe even bag you a flautist. Trust me you don’t want the cheerleaders, you want the cute nerdy girl who good with her hands and mouth YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN!!!!!!

After high school “The Legend” Brian “B-rye” Legendstein moved to Cancun where he is a full time party executive for the club Spring Breakage Date Rapage. When asked what his duties are at his job he responded by saying “Sippin’ margaritas and bangin’ senoritas… you know what I’m sayin!!!”

Note: In no way, shape or form does Hal Oral or HalOral.com “know what he’s saying”. Additionally, this article does not reflect the opinions of Hal Oral or HalOral.com. Hal Oral and HalOral.com does not condone underage drinking… unless you are masturbating.