The Hal Oral Chronicles

"Is still debating the pros and cons of string theory… while writing dick jokes" HalOral.com where intellectual thoughts meets excessive debauchery.

I’m trying my best to keep my body language neutral, have a stoic face and just stare straight until the awkwardness passes so I can leave. I don’t want to break down and burst out laughing hysterically because that could really bruise this gay mans ego, but it’s so hard to keep a straight face when a man is trying to seduce you by revealing himself. I’m holding back the smile as firm as I can  not because I’m five and I think nudity is funny, which it is, no, I am holding back the smile trying not to laugh because this guy is presenting himself to me. Like how a male peacock presents his tail feathers to attract a female, this guy is showing off his penis as if I was going to say “You know what? That’s something I want right now.” But just like a bad mating dance of the Superb Bird of Paradise, he was rejected by a potential mate. (FYI: Youtube Superb Bird of Paradise mating dance, it is freaking awesome, thanks Discovery Channel Planet Earth!!)

Before I lose my composure, I assess the situation, I take a deep breath and I gather myself for a few seconds. Then I get up and prepare to calmly exit the sauna, leaving one sad lonely Gaysian man. I didn’t want to turn around because there is nothing sadder than a sad Asian man crying. As I walked passed him he stood up and I quickly got in my defensive stance by taking my hands and covering my penis and my anus. After a tensioned filled second I relaxed when I realized he wasn’t going to use some sort of gay hybrid gung fu on me. Instead he bowed graciously and handed me his business card. Apparently he is a senior associate at some midtown law firm. Impressive. As I reached for the card he caressed my hand with an outreached finger. I pulled my hand away, gave him the stink-eye and exited the sauna. I was walking towards the shower holding the card in my hand when I realized, where did he pull the card out from? He was just naked a second ago… GROSS! I threw the card in the garbage and jumped into the first open shower.

I entered the shower and left the past behind me, no that sounds wrong, I entered the shower and I never looked back, except to check my back. I get in the shower making sure no one is following me. As much as it was nice for the ego that I was hit on, quite obviously by a gay fella, I didn’t want to be put in the situation of having to explain to others, or my mother, why I’d be exiting a shower with another man. Conservation of water isn’t a viable excuse. Maybe I could get away with “he was washing that hard to reach spot on my back” but still no. Either way I was just happy I was in the shower, alone, and happy I was washing away the emotional filth. Clean, clean at last… or so I thought.

I squirted some shampoo in my hand, lathered up and started washing my head when I heard the sauna door open and close. “There are six other showers here, I should be safe” I thought to myself. I put my head under the water to wash away the shampoo when I heard a curtain fly open. My heart stopped and I quickly turned around. Luckily my curtain was still closed and it was the sound of someone getting into the shower across from me. After I calmed down I continued to wash my body when I heard another curtain get torn open. This time the sound was much louder and it sounded like it came from right behind me. A cool breeze swept onto my feet as my worse nightmare was about to happen. I turned around, it was the Gaysian. After he saw that I wasn’t happy he said “Whoops, I thought no one was in here” and he closed the curtain and was on his way.

Clearly it wasn’t an accident, the fact that you opened MY curtain, and the fact that you stood there for a good three seconds before claiming “Whoops, someone’s in here?” I was furious but I wasn’t going to go find him in another shower, no, that’s what he wants me to do. He wants me to go rip open his shower curtain press his bare body against the cold tiles and have my way with him. Buddy, it ain’t going to happen. I quickly washed the rest of my body, dried myself off and walked into the locker room to change.

Safe, I was now safe amongst the masses. Yeah I went from one naked guy to twenty naked guys, but at least no one would dare to make a move here. Too many steroided up homophobes ready to jump on the first sign of homosexuality to prove how manly they are. Yes it’s true, most of these guys have repressed their homosexuality into their bulging muscles and yes, it is laying dormant until it will come out one day in some sort of pseudo weight lifting session, but these guys wouldn’t dare acknowledge that in public. “Yo, Vinny your lats look tremendous.” “Thanks Stu, the veins in your quads are busting, you mind if I touch them?” “No not at all bro. Oh that massage feels good, you understand me so much better than Theresa does.” “That’s because we’ve got a special weight lifting bond… want to jump in the hot tub? I hear it works better naked.”

I walked out of the gym. I took a deep breath of fresh air and smiled. As far as I’m concerned New York City streets are a safe haven compared to that gym’s locker room. I put on my iPod and “Kickstart My Heart” by Motley Crue came on. Nice, a manly, hard rock song to start my walk to the subway. Nothing like four dudes dressed up like chicks to help me forget about everything that just happened. The song put me in such a good mood I decided to swing by 7-11 and buy some celebratory post workout candy.  I went with M&M’s. A classic. You can never go wrong with M&M’s. Whether it is plain, peanut, dark chocolate or peanut butter, they all are delicious. I can’t believe that they got rid of the light brown M&M’s years ago. Also, why did they discontinue Crispy M&M’s in the United States? Those were awesome. Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? And what’s up with these 7-11 employees. Who are these people? Could somebody fill me in, because I’d like to know!¹

I exit 7-11, munching on the M&M’s I just purchased, when a new song came onto my iPod; “Careless Whisper” by George Michaels. As the opening saxophone played my mind wandered as I reminisced about the Gaysian man. I stared up at the clouds as flashbacks overcame my mind. Me walking into the sauna, him bending down to check out my penis, my realization of him not wearing a towel anymore, me giving him the stink eye after he caresses my hand and finally him laughing to himself when he “accidentally” opened my shower curtain. I returned back to earth when a car honked its horn and I continued my walk to the subway.

I was walking down the subway stares when I realized that I left my Metrocard at the gym. “Screw it” I thought. I was not heading back to that place today. The $2.50 is well worth my peace of mind. The train pulled up as I grabbed my new Metrocard from the machine. I ran through the turnstiles only to be faced with a packed train. There was no room left, looks like I’d have to catch the next one. As I was about to give up all hope of getting on the train I heard an effeminate voice, “There’s still room for one more if you want to squeeze” was said with a slight lisp. I looked up and it is a new gay man making room for me. How did I know he was gay? The super tight ripped jeans, the pink baby tee and the flock of seagulls-ish haircut gave it away. “Well what are you waiting for?” he said. I’m quickly debating in my mind whether another uncomfortable gay experience is worth five minutes off of my travel time. “Ehh, fuck it” I thought as I pushed my way onto the train. “Thanks” I said to him. “Don’t mention it” he said back. As the doors closed I felt a hand on my butt, the gay man says “Sorry, I was reaching for my iPod”. “Great” I thought, “This is going to be one long train ride.”